The Third Wish!

It finally happened! There is nothing more rewarding than having busting your ass on a project, and having things come together! This project is a a cross between your greatest dream and your worst nightmare! The capacity for failure is immense, the rewards seems almost too good to be true!

Earl Stafford got me to give the orchestra a pep talk and talk about my work. Many of these players are friends of mine. Because I am an accepted and well liked member of "Team Orchestra" I think they are putting in extra effort for me! Orchestras have a reputation of being like sharks who try to rip apart composers who show the slightest sign of vulnerability. These guys are my friends and want me to succeed. For that I am extremely thankful.

When the orchestra started to work on my piece I was so excited I barely contain myself. I was trying to play the electric bass part (My bass player is out of town) but I just had to stop and listen! Hearing my orchestral music in my head is one thing... But hearing it performed is an feeling unlike ANYTHING I can describe! It felt like I was glowing, I felt so much joy and exhilaration, it was almost more than I could bear!

People kept looking at me to see how I was reacting to different sections. While they were playing I just stood there with a big stupid grin on my face! I'm going to have to try and be more serious and professional... I don't want them to think I'm just a big goof!

There are times when I doubt my abilities, and feel like I'm just lying to myself and those around me. We all suffer from self doubt sometimes. Am I a real composer? Do I have what it takes to write a piece from nothing? I always thought I knew, but today I am absolutely sure.

Blood and Cookies!

I gave blood for the last time today. *crosses fingers* I am going to miss it. I always enjoy the feeling I get when I give blood. When you give blood you can be sure it comes from the heart! *DING*

I always tell the workers that it's tough being a student, and I'm always happy to give blood because I get a free lunch. They always laugh, but you can tell they aren't sure if I am serious. You never know how desperate someones situation might be.

The blood ladies are always happy to see me because I am a very easy patient. I can get poked in any arm, my veins bulge and are easy to find. I don't complain, get sick or faint. I always fill my bag in about 8-10 minutes. My blood type is B+ One of the rare ones.

All that stuff is great. But the real fun part comes at the end. The elderly ladies want nothing more than to give you cookies and apple juice. After losing 10% of my blood, I want nothing more thatn to pig out on cookies and apple juice. We are both very happy and I enjoy the moment as much as I can.

As I was sitting at the recovery table, this 2nd year kid started talking to me. It started with a few comments about the food, then eventually turned into him chatting at me about stuff. He told me about how he was a participating in some experiment where they take a lot of blood. We talked with a blood worker about how one acquires large ammounts of human blood. (Like say.. for a controversial art show involving a white dress?) Eventually we started talking about Linken park. He was wearing a Linken Park shirt. He told me his musical history and about how cool Eminem is and various other artists. He told me he liked green day, so I asked him if he liked their new album.

Me: "American. um.... what was it?"
Linken park Shirt: "I don't remember"
Random Hot Girl: "Idiot"
Me: ".... you can't just go around burning people harshly like that! god!"
Girl "it's the name of the album. American Idiot"
Me "..." "I dont't know anything about music.
Linker Park shirt: I played guitar then quit! What about you? Any musical talents?
Me "nope"

I said my goodbyes and left Canadian Blood Services never to return.
I'm gonna miss those free lunches.

Scars of Thunder (The Zero Hour)

"Their dread commander. He, above the rest in shape and gesture proudly eminent, Stood like a tower. His form had not yet lost all its brightness, nor appeared less than Archangel ruined, and th'excess of glory obscured. Darkend so, yet shone above them all, but his face deep Scars of Thunder had entrenched, and care sat on his faded cheek, but under brows of dauntless courage and considerate pride Waiting revenge. Curle his eye, but cast signs of remorse and passion to behold the fellows of his crime. "
- Milton Paradise Lost


Today I held my first orchestral score in my hands. Printed, bouned and named. Finished. I felt very strange. Detached. It dosen't even feel like it is my piece when I look at the pages as a whole. I flip through the pages and the textures, harmonies and melodies flood my mind with hundreds of little memories and thoughts.

I am suprised that I finished by the deadline. Many moments where I wanted nothing more than to put down my pen. But, all those empty dead eyes urged me to continue. Icons have a steadfast cold expectation that you can't get from a person. People forgive and pity, waver and fail. When you make a promise to an icon, they will always hold up their end of the bargan.

The best gods are the ones who demand evrething and give nothing. I learned that over the last few weeks.

Next time you are in a catholic church, look at the eyes of the blessed virgin, You will know what I mean.


Thanks to all those who helped me when I was working on this project. You know who you are. I remembered your kind words when images of stabbing my pen through my palm started dancing around my head. I'm no good at saying thanks in real life, so here it is.

The piece is called Scares of Thunder. It will be performed on March 30th.

A valentine in the Digital world

<>There is nothing that surprise me more than the constant stream of absurd Internet culture. It just gets stranger and stranger with each passing year. I can only imagine what type of crap will be floating around in cyberspace in 10 years from now. I bet it will make the bannaphone old hat. Individuals with incredibly obscure interests and talents find large online communities where they can be appreciated. These basement geniuses never cease to amaze me. The creative potential is astounding. Is this the culmination of human civilization? Each one of us indulging and developing our creative abilities with the support of a global network of like minded individuals? We burn away our creative potential in cyberspace and fuel its monstrous growth and development.
Message boards,

Deviant Art
Forums,
Mailing lists
Blogs
MIRC
ICQ
MSN
MMOGs
NewsGroups

The internet has begun to change everything. I know there is a history and sociology of the internet that is its infancy. These fields of study are only now beginning to gain the attention of the academia.

This brings me to the point of today's little entry. There is a large population of people who live online. I know this to be true. I have seen it. For these people, their digital life is more real than reality itself. ("What is real?" April 22 2004) Working, Sleeping, eating, are only a means to an end. A persona, a handle, a Nickname, most of us have one. Hundreds of hours are spent living a 2nd existence in cyberspace.

One of the purest examples of this phenomena comes about on valentines day in the digital world. Love is in the air. Citizens of the digital world send eachother tokens of affection.
Nothing says I love you like a high quality drawing of you're character and you're online mate sharing an intimate moment. On this special day.

Who are these people? Are their feelings for eachother real? Is this healthy? Behind that giant bull, and the undead girl are real people! People who have real emotions and feelings and are trying to find a place in this world to fit in. Perhaps this is a sign that our society is unhealthy and hostile, causing people to seek friendship elsewhere. Escapist delusions and fantasy have often been an escape for certain individuals. I often wonder if the digital world is the best place for them. The fantasy becomes more real each day, more powerful, more natural. Millions of lives swept up in an interactive hurricaine of binary code.

So... A happy valentine's day to the ditital world! All I see is the true face of internet addiction.

I have a feeling things is only the beginning.

A moment of weakness

I was exporting a recital today in the recording booth, and I decided to check out Blizzard's Website. They have always had a good site. Often they will have some sort of funny background or novelty song done by the voice actors for the games. I noticed that they were looking for an Audio design supervisor.

At this point in my life, I have all but given up my dreams of working in the video game industry. I don't find the field nearly as stimulating as I once did. I clicked on the job posting.

Essentially they were looking for someone with 4 degrees.
1. Computer programmer
2. Composer.
3. Recording engineer
4. Acoustic designer. (Builds/designs acoustically balanced spaces)

Oh yeah! and they wanted 5+ years experience, and 1 shipped title to their name.

If I ever want to go for a job like this I am going to have to diversify somewhat.

I'd make better money and have more freedom teaching. There is always a part of me that
wants to go work in popular media. We will see where I end up!

Things are going well on my piece. I've flushed it out quite a bit. Made it richer, more complex. I'm working on the finale right now.

-E

Busy

I'm very busy. I'll post here again when things cool down a bit.

A random memory for you to enjoy!

I think about how crazy my life is now and wish that my life could be as simple as it was when I was younger. But... When I think about the types of things I did as a little kid, my life was still pretty dynamic.
These crazy experiences that made me what I am today.

When I was a little kid living in my house in Brandon, I had a very big back yard. We had 2 rear neighbors. One of them had planted raspberry's bushes along the fence (on their side). The raspberry plants grew up under the fence, and provided our yard with some free raspberry! During the summer I would go and check to see if there were any raspberries that looked good enough to eat. Often I would let them get too ripe, and the birds would get them.

One day there weren't very many raspberries at all. I peaked through the cracks off the fence and saw what looked like fields and fields of raspberry bushes. I got my brother to come give me a boost so I could reach over and try and get some of the previously forbidden fruit. (the type that always tastes best)

To my surprise and utter horror, my brother's boost pushed me over the top of the fence and I fell head first into a horrible nightmare of prickly thorns and bees. My brother ran way. At the time I believed he thought I was dead, and was leaving my dead body to rot. Now, I realize that he feared the repercussions of pushing his younger brother into a raspberry patch.

I knew I was in a bad situation. A little kid in an unfamiliar yard under a bunch of thorny bushes. The raspberry bushes had taken a sinister turn since my ignoble tumble. Crawling on my hands and knees I made it out of the raspberry patch. Exiting the patch, I looked up and saw a stern motherly figure frowning at me! I was thinking... How could this get any worse! All pricked up, my head is sore... Now I'm going to get kidnapped by this crazy lady.

"If you wanted some raspberries you only had to ask" she said. Clearly, she had seen me fall over the fence. She handed me a white and yellow margarine container and let me have my way with her giant raspberry bushes. Then I went out her front yard and walked around though the neighbors yard and came through the hedge. They didn't have any prickly things for me to contend with.

I gave the raspberries to my mom. I had lost my taste for raspberries. To this day I am not fond of them. They always seem bitter.

I don't like to share.

The internet seems slow today....

The graduate composition students piece won't be performed tomorrow at the orchestra concert. I spent all that time calibrating the Motu and the Glyph

Now, nobody will care if I make a good recording. It's just a waste of my time! I could have been at home working!

Also, this turn of events has put the performance of my orchestra piece in jeopardy. They already have some serious Rep on their plates! (Shosty V and a Saintsans Piano Concerto). + my work, + Constantine's?

Perhaps it will end up being played at the first concert next year. Lets hope things work out.

MachineCo's Resident Composer

I was over at DM's house today. We had an extra long lesson. I'm glad he is putting in some extra time to help me with this piece. Will it make up for the fact that he was in Isriel for the first 2 weeks of school? I don't think so! Still, DM is a great guy.

He was talking about the difficulty in getting jobs as a composition teacher. I will have to work my ass off, but I don't care. I am a very versatile musician. Here are my skills! Because... We all know that girls only go out with guys with skills.


Here is a list of the courses I could teach as a prof:
1. (Theory) Harmony, Counterpoint, 20th century and Jazz. (not many people have all of those!)
2. Electroacoustics: Analog, Digital, Recording, Granular, Wave Table, MaxMsp notational practices. Live Hardware motion capture.
3. (History) 20th century, Ethnomusicology, Medieval, Electronic Music.
4. Orchestration
5. Composition

So.... As Kevin kindly pointed out last week, I can't build things or sell them. I'm a composer. I write music!

Here is a situation that I can happening to me in the not so distant future:

Employer: "Can you operate this machine?"
Me: "no, but I can harmonize the pitches it produces and create a double fugue!"
Employer: "You're hired! You can be MachineCo's resident composer! You will be an important addition to our workforce"

Tubas are into some strange shit!

Most of my friends are musicians in one form or another. Today I talk about some crazy muscial dilemmas! Only musicians will understand the insanity of these situations.

I learned today that tubas like nothing more than hundreds and hundreds of ledger lines below the staff in the base cleff! I did all this work to correct the ledger lines with cleff changes and 8vb signs.

Consider the following dialoque:

Tuba "WTF? Why is this movement transposed?" *8vb bass cleff*
Me: "What do you mean???"
Tuba "I would rather have ledger lines"
Me: "How the hell can you even read that!? There must be 10 ledger lines there!"
Tuba "We are into some wierd shit!"
Me: "Clearly"

Have A lesson tomorow at DM's house. He has a large format printer which is exciting! I wonder if anybody else I know gets as excited as me about the possibilities of printing thigns on non standard paper sizes like A4? A4 people!!! It's incredible!

DM was showing off his 1 gb usb2.0 flash memory stick today!

DM "Look at my new USB Memory Device!"
Me: "Is that Leather?"
DM "Yes... It has 1 gb of memory!"
Me: "Cool! Where do you get a leather usb device?"
DM: " What about the fact that it is 1 gb? who cares if it's leather!"
Me: *silence* "are we going to have our lesson today or what?"
DM: "Tomorow at 10:00

Hot or Not?

T-11

Paul came over the other day. He got me to check out this webiste hotornot.com

He told me to put my pic up there. It's a site where people rate you 1 to 10 on hot ness. I have a feeling some of my friends know about this and are helping me out. :P Thanks guys! Now people can be made to feel ugly without leaving their own home! YAY!

-E

T-12

Good work done today. Got right into the slow part of my piece.
Kevin came over for a short time after work. We went and got some pizza. Madonna pizza has changed his pizza. It is no longer as good as it was when he first opened. Oh well... I hope he is making money.

The new music festival was odd today. The show should have been called. Crazy new music covers of successful works. I heard some bitch talking about how new music is crappy compared to the "masters" of the past! *RAGE* She is the type of person who would have a landscape with a waterfall and a fawn in her living room.

I was pretty mad. Then, more than any other time I can remember recently, I wished for that 4 barreled shotgun I was dreaming about last week. Then I just remembered that she will bie much slower without my help. I didn't say a word. You would have been so proud of me Danielle! I didn't utter a single blaspheme!

T - 12

40% finished

I can do this! I just have to hold out a bit longer... *Digs in claws*

I had 2 lessons today. I had an early lesson with Gordon Fitzell. I showed him my orchestra piece and we started working on it. He said "I wasn't expecting to see this many notes!, Normally when people have a tight time schedule they are a bit more restraint in their use of the orchestra". I didn't know what to say. Was that a warning? haha, I don't think I don't think I am capable of restraint. We then discussed the fact that I don't have to prove that I have a penis through brash orchestral textures. Do women write wussy music? Not only are there very few woman composers, but their music is often attacked for being too restrained. Obviously this is not always the case. .. But Still. It makes for good conversation.

DM and I puzzled about various problems I had gotten myself into. He turned the page to reveal a page filled with blank space, and looked over it for a few seconds and said "Oh yeah... I think they will be very good at this part I'll be fine" I couldn't tell if he was joking because he said it so causally. I just looked at him, and said "did you just have a stroke?" We both had a good laugh. DM can be funny, but I always get caught off guard by his strange sense of humor.

Kathy Yeo made fun of DM's sweater today in class. He always wears these crazy sweaters with weird images woven in. This one was covered in little girls in green dresses. I was whispering about it to Kathy about it and I think I made her pee her pants because she was trying so hard not to laugh.

Tomorow is more work. I am going to drop off my parks Canada Job acceptance forms. Oh yeah! Dave might be working at LFG! HAHAHA! I bet he would be great upprclass! He is a good actor, he could shake his cane and insult the workers. I'll help him get ready for his interview. I just hope he dosen't get sucked into the fort culture... I know Dave likes a good party.

Frankenstien Jesus vs Uncle Jamina

-T minus 12

I performed at the new music festival today. It was one of the noon hour recitals in the millennium center. I had to share the stage with some other young composers. Frankenstein Jesus was the name of one of the pieces performed by Brandon University composition major. It was ok. Lots of girls and flues. Not my bag. Sorry Keri.

The performance went well. However, the marble walls made the room so "LIVE" I couldn't believe it! If I ever wanted to know what it was like to play ambient drum n bass inside a quarry. I know now! I didn't record it. I should have. I didn't eat or drink anything until 2:00 that day. I wasn't thinking at full capacity.

My stress over the orchestra piece is turning to RAGE! I am yelling at people right and left. I hope they all forgive me when this is all done.